I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
