It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
