I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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