I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
