if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
