i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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