Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
