You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she told me i tasted like america
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
