Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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