She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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