I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
