I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
