I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He? As in you personified your dick?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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