Soap is not a condiment
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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