I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
