Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
