I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
