i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
