are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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