Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
