I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
