my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
