mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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