My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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