I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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