I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
