he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
