I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
