who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
