i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
