cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I didn't notice because vodka
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
