dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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