I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
