So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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