I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
