shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
