What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
