Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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