I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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