I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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