I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
