Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
