see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
