would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
