the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
