omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
