I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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