I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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