When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
