Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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