Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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