i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
