Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
