My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
