Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
