he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize