I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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