dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
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