So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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