I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
