you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
