Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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