I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
