my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
